A bloke rings his wife from A&E (ER), he says to her "I've lost my finger in an accident at work."
She replies "What? The whole finger?"
He says "No, the one next to it."
She replies "What? The whole finger?"
He says "No, the one next to it."
fz6nick
I Love Lamp
- Joined
- Jun 11, 2008
- Messages
- 926
- Reaction score
- 6
- Points
- 0
- Location
- Just Right of St. Louis
A bear and a mouse were walking thru the woods when they came upon a magic lamp and a ginie pops out and says you each get 3 wishes.
The bear starts first and says he wishes he was the only male bear in this forest. It comes true. The mouse says "I want a motorcycle" and he gets one.
The bears next wish is to be the only male bear in the country. It comes true. The mouse says "I want a helmet to go with my motorcycle" and he gets one.
The bear wishes to be the only male bear in the world. It comes true. Then the mouse is thinking and responds. "I wish that bear was gay"
The bear starts first and says he wishes he was the only male bear in this forest. It comes true. The mouse says "I want a motorcycle" and he gets one.
The bears next wish is to be the only male bear in the country. It comes true. The mouse says "I want a helmet to go with my motorcycle" and he gets one.
The bear wishes to be the only male bear in the world. It comes true. Then the mouse is thinking and responds. "I wish that bear was gay"
And still on the subject of Genies...........................
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said .. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have se x with
your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop s*x, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your
husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said .. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have se x with
your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop s*x, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your
husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'
Wh0M3
Junior Member
That's as good as the one about the guy going door to door offering free breast exams. Except that one really did happen, if you google it you'll find the story.
-PD
-PD
J
jsteinb95
[nomedia]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6uvbq7Oc2dM[/nomedia]
chokeslam512
Dental Floss Tycoon
A father walks into a restaurant with his young
son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the
nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the
nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking,
shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking
woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion,
she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and
places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way,
unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his
pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and
twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the
boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman
deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands
the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar
without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered
no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking
her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it
was fantastic. Are you a doctor?
'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney'
son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the
nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the
nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking,
shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking
woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion,
she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and
places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way,
unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his
pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and
twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the
boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman
deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands
the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar
without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered
no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking
her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it
was fantastic. Are you a doctor?
'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney'
Troubl
On the Group W bench
J
jsteinb95
Being a "Chuck", I don't know if I should laugh or be worried!
ummm.....probably be worried!
S
sportrider
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you..."
The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!"
Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boy friend...so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast..., he won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his
girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "what happened.....?" Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The ****er had all quarters!'"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed !!
The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!"
Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boy friend...so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast..., he won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his
girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "what happened.....?" Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The ****er had all quarters!'"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed !!
After retiring, Joe went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked Joe for his driver's license to verify his age. Joe looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. Joe told the woman that he was very sorry, but he would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So Joe opened his shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When Joe got home, he excitedly told his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'
And then the fight started.....
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When Joe got home, he excitedly told his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'
And then the fight started.....
Last edited:
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this,
I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........ You got nice house.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this,
I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........ You got nice house.'
pedwards89
Super Member
- Joined
- May 27, 2007
- Messages
- 612
- Reaction score
- 7
- Points
- 0
- Location
- Leamington Spa, Warwickshire, UK
SAD NEWS ...
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote 'The Hokey Kokey' died peacefully at the age of 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
Shut up. You know it's funny.
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote 'The Hokey Kokey' died peacefully at the age of 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
Shut up. You know it's funny.
Two blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one blonde asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are,...very slowly?"
The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing."
The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing."
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, 'And yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed.' 'OH NO!'
Mr. Bush exclaims. 'That's terrible!' His staff sits stunned at this sudden outward display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands, almost sobbing. Finally, the president looks up and asks, 'Just how many is a brazillion, anyway?'
Mr. Bush exclaims. 'That's terrible!' His staff sits stunned at this sudden outward display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands, almost sobbing. Finally, the president looks up and asks, 'Just how many is a brazillion, anyway?'
S
sportrider
OMG thats hillarious:rof:Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, 'And yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed.' 'OH NO!'
Mr. Bush exclaims. 'That's terrible!' His staff sits stunned at this sudden outward display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands, almost sobbing. Finally, the president looks up and asks, 'Just how many is a brazillion, anyway?'
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He
opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,' Say, Father,
what causes arthritis?' 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
'Well, I'll be damned,' the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?' 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does'
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He
opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,' Say, Father,
what causes arthritis?' 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
'Well, I'll be damned,' the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?' 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does'
A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
Bubba replied, 'No it ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week.
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
Bubba replied, 'No it ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week.
W
wrightme43
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a
hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels. The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't
return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a
hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels. The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't
return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
- Joined
- Jul 30, 2007
- Messages
- 5,442
- Reaction score
- 99
- Points
- 48
- Location
- Adelaide,South Australia
On day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.
God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.
So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.
The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.
But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.
God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"
The blonde said "I know I just now got the first one!!!"
God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.
So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.
The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.
But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.
God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"
The blonde said "I know I just now got the first one!!!"
