Horrible jokes.

Little Johnny is sitting in class when the teacher asks "If there are 5 birds sitting on a wire and you shoot one, how many are left?"

Johnny says "Oh, that's easy!" and raises his hand.

The teacher calls on him and he says "None, Teach."

The teacher says "Oh, no Johnny, I'm sorry but the answer is four"

Johnny says "Hmm, well when my Dad and I shot a bird just last week, the other four flew away, leaving none."

"Cute, Johnny, the answer is still four, but I like the way you think."

"Hey Teach, I've got a question for you", pipes Johnny "There are three women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones, one is licking, one is sucking, and one is biting - which one is married?"

The teacher thinks for a moment, then guesses "The one who is sucking?"

Johnny replies "No Teach! The one wearing a ring, but I like the way you think!"
 
A man walks into a pet store, looking to buy a parrot. He sees a blue and red one for $50, a blue, red and yellow one for $70, and a green and yellow one for $20.

He asks the shop owner "Why is the green and yellow one so cheap?"

The owner replies "Honestly? I've got to unload him, he's been here for months. He talks, but he's got a foul mouth and has been hurting my business."

The bird says "Mother f**king c*ck s*cker!"

The man thinks about it, decides he should be able to retrain the bird, and it's such a deal..."I'll take him" he says with a smile.

The bird says "a$$hole!"

Days go by, and the man has had no luck in curbing the bird's language "get me a mother f**king cracker, you sloppy c*cks*cking whore!" rings in his ears. The man nearly at his wits end, when the doorbell rings...it's his Mother.

"Bird" says the man "So help me, if you don't clean up your language, at least while my Mother is here...I...I just can't responsible for my actions."

"Bite my feathery a$$" quips the bird.

Sighing, with shoulders slumped, the man walks off to answer the door. He lets his Mother in, who manages to spy the bird, despite the man's best efforts.

"Oh my!" says his Mother "What a beautiful bird" and she rushes over to get a better look.

"Woooo! Hey Baby! Nice rack. Spin around for me once, would'ya? And hey, get me a mother f*cking cracker, b!tch" says the bird.

The Mother says, agast, "My Word!"

"That's it!" screams the man, as he grabs the parrot by the neck. Looking around, he sees the freezer, rips it open, throws the bird inside and slams it shut.

Muffled shouts of "Hey, you f*cking tw@t! It's freezing in here! Let me the f*ck out!" can be heard, but shortly, and suddenly, die off.

The man enjoys the rest of his Mother's visit and soon enough, she heads for home. Relaxing on the couch, the man suddenly remembers the bird and rushes over to the freezer.

Wincing at the expectation of the incredible tongue lashing the bird is sure to unleash, he eases the door open. To his surprise, the bird is silently standing at attention, shivering, but at attention, nonetheless - with a polite little birdy smile even.

"Good evening, sir" says the bird.

Speechless, the man holds out his hand and the bird climbs on, "we good?", he manages.

"Ah, yes sir, sorry about all that. I do have a question for you though."

"Why, uh, sure."

"What did the chicken do?"
 
My husband, being un-happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring so he could monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood it turns green & when I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f**king red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me diamonds. Dumb A**!
 
The founder of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corp., Arthur Davidson, died & went to heaven.

At the gates, St.Peter told Arthur, "since you've been such a good man and changed the world with your motorcycles, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

"I want to hang out with God" Arthur said.
So St.Peter took Arthur to meet God.

God recognized Arthur & commented "Well, what a big deal in inventing something that's pretty un-stable, makes noise & pollution, and can't run without a road?!"

A bit embarrassed, Arthur said "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said "Ah yes."

"Well", said Arthur,"you too have some major design flaws.
1.there's too much inconsistency in the front end protrusion
2. it chatters constantly at high speeds
3.most of the rear ends are too soft & wobbly
4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust
5. and the maintenance is outrageous!

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in in a few words and waited for the results.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours!"
 
lytehouse said:
My husband, being un-happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring so he could monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood it turns green & when I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f**king red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me diamonds. Dumb A**!
Click to expand...
That is to funny, thanks.
 
A guy walks into a bar and asks "Who is the owner of the Pit Bull outside" A fellow in he back stands up and says "He is mine what do you care!" The man replies "My dog just killed your dog." The other man replies "No way he was a trained fighter and is one bad ass dog" The other fellow says "Well it did and it kill him and rather quickly" The other man replies "Well what kind of dog do you have?" The man replied " A chihuahua. " The other man said laughing "How did a small dog like that kill my Pit Bull?" The man quickly came back with the statement of "Well he kinda choked to death on it."
 
What do you call kids born in a whorehouse?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Brothel Sprouts

I will not let this thread die!!
 
I thought these were supposed to be "horrible" jokes?!?!?!?!


Yeah, can't let the thread die!
 
Ohh I got one............... Not for the ladies thou.... ITS BAD




























OK.... What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?


























Nuthin!!!! Shes already been told twice!
 
Admin said:
Ohh I got one............... Not for the ladies thou.... ITS BAD

OK.... What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nuthin!!!! Shes already been told twice!
Click to expand...


That one always makes me laugh!

Not for the ladies thou? pfffft :rolleyes: ;)
 
Q. Why do women have small feet?

A. So they can stand closer to the stove. :scared::scared:


:justkidding:
 
Last edited:
Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem wi th your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and have a bowel movement every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."
 
New Scope

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill". The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's johnny off."

The man takes another look through the scope and says,
"You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
 
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
 
Re: Horrible jokes. Okay, one more...

When speeding...


An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands her license to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

Nelly
Happy Fathers Day
Replies
6
Views
381
Cloggy
Cloggy
J
"And then the fight started"
Replies
8
Views
580
Numpty
Numpty
Back
Top