Horrible jokes.

Little Jonny was in class one day and the teacher asked the question.
"If there were three birds sitting on a power line and you shot one off, how many would be left?"
Little Johnny raised his hand and responded, "You wouldn't have any left."
The teacher said, "That is incorrect, and how did you come to this conclusion?
Little Johnny said, "If you shoot the first one off, then the other two would fly away."
The teacher said, "The answer is 2, but I like the way you think."
Little Johnny said, " Teacher I've got a question for you."
The teacher said, " Okay what is it?"
Johnny said, "If you have three women eating ice cream cones, one is sucking, one is licking and one is slurping, which one is married?"
The teacher said, "I don't know, I guess the one that is licking."
Little Johnny said, "The answer is the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."
 
One for the Christmas holidays :D

Little johnny was riding along on his new bicycle. A horse cop signals him to stop and says:
-Hello. Nice bike. Where did you get the bike?
-Santa brought it for Christmas.
-Well, next time tell Santa to put a tail light on the bike (and he writes a ticket)

Little Johnny takes the ticket and says to the cop
-BTW, beautiful horse. Where did you get it? Santa brought that to you?
-Yes, he did.
-Well, next time tell Santa to put the d*ck beneath the horse, not on the top
 
Michigan State trooper pulled a car over on US 23 about 2 miles North of the Michigan/Indiana State line.
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Ft. Wayne to do a show at the Shrine Circus.
He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, A car pulled in behind the patrol car.

A drunken good old boy from Michigan got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my a$$ to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.'
 
A man and a woman who had never met before,

but who were both married to other people,

found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental
train.







Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,

they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth
and she in the lower.



At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,..........
'Ma'am,



I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet
to get me a second blanket?



I'm awfully cold.'



'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend
that we're married.'



'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.



'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own *^&%**# blanket.'



After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.
 
A man seeking to join an East Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed.

The Deputy doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?""
 
Well, the joke I wanted to post was too long. So...


Bob was dragging lil Suzie into the woods by the hand as she cried softly. After a few minutes he became annoyed and barked, "What are you crying for?"

"It's gettin dark. I'm scared!" replied lil Suzie.

"Pfft. That's nothing! I gotta walk out of here all by myself!"
 
A woman goes to the doctors complaining of feeling unwell, and goes through a series of tests.

About a week later, the doctor calls her husband and asks him to come in to the surgery. So off he goes, and the doctor sits him down and says "Now normally I wouldn't do this, but I need your help to diagnose your wifes condition. We've narrowed it down to two possible illnesses... AIDS, and altzheimers."

The guy says "Jeez that's terrible, what can I do to help?"

The doctor says "I want you to take her for a long drive into the wilderness, and dump her somewhere, and then go home and wait."

The guy says "And then what?"

The doctor says "If she makes it back home, don't screw her."
 
Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Marc watched
with a raised eyebrow.
Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to Mark and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'
Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.' _________________________________________________________________
 
Dr Dave was racked with guilt...he had just slept with one of his patients .Then he heard this little voice on his left shoulder say "Dave,don't beat yourself up,your not the first doctor to do this and you wont be the last either ".Dr Dave felt better now but a couple of minutes later a little voice on his right shoulder soon bought him back down,it said " Dave,Dave , what where you thinking !..........your a vet !"
 
Guy goes into the doctors. He says," Doctor, Doctor, you've got to help me. I've got a steering wheel attached to my old fella." and promptly whips off his strides. Doctor flinches back and says, "STREWTH!":eek:.

Guy says, " Yeah! It's been driving me nuts".:D




Guy goes into the doctors. He says, "Doctor, Doctor, you've got to help me. I've got a cricket ball stuck in my backside." and turns around to show him.

Doctor says, "WHOAH! HOW'S THAT?:eek:"

Guy says, "Don't YOU start!":spank::spank::spank:





I could go on for hours:eek:...lol. But I won't:thumbup:

Cheers
Mike
 
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked.Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad
but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says....................
'Grandpa;....... Go home!
You're drunk.' . .
 
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said.
 
A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.

The bear looks at the rabbit and says "Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure" says the rabbit.

"Do you have a problem with poo sticking to your fur?" Asks the bear.

"Not at all" says the rabbit.

So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit.
 
A man walked into the produce section of his local
supermarket, and
asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in
that department
told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was
insistent that the boy ask his manager about the
matter. Walking into
the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some
ass hole wants to buy
half a head of lettuce." As he finished his
sentence, he turned to find
the man standing right behind him, so he added:
"And this gentleman
kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his
way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was
impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like
people who think on
their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Louisiana, sir." the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Louisiana?" the
manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores
and football players
there!"
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife
is from Louisiana."
"No s*it?" replied the boy. "Who'd
she play for?
 
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