Horrible jokes.

heard on the radio this am.... re election:

I heard about this guy running for president.....and him asking for CHANGE....

I thought "Great just what we need -- another Black guy in Washington asking for change"
 
It's Tarzan and Jane's wedding night, and they retire to Tarzan's tree house.

It rapidly becomes obvious to Jane that Tarzan has no clue about the birds and the bees. So she starts explaining things to him.

"Tarzan," she says,"what did you do when you got aroused and there was nobody around?"

"Tarzan find tree with hole. Use hole in tree."

She's a bit surprised by this, but he was raised by apes and doesn't know any better. So she strips naked and stands in front of him.

"Tarzan, doesn't this look better than a hole in a tree?"

Tarzan looks her over, smiles, and walks up to her and kicks her in the groin. Jane doubles over in pain. After several minutes she catches her breath and says,"Tarzan, what the HELL did you do that for?"

Tarzan looks at her very seriously and replies,"Tarzan always check for squirrels."
 
Botch said:
:D :D :D

After I got my FZ-6, my girlfriend's birthday was coming up, and I asked her what she wanted for a gift. She replied sweetly, "Something that will go zero to 154 in under ten seconds!"

So, I got her a bathroom scale.
Click to expand...

awww that's not right!!
 
Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher saying that Johnny was having trouble telling the difference between boys and girls, and would his mother please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this. So Johnny's mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.

"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse",she said, so Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. "O.K., now take off my skirt", and he takes off her skirt. "Now take off my bra", which he does.

"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties". Johnny finishes removing these too.

His mother then says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school anymore!
 
Paddy is in a bar telling his mates about his first parachute jump,we were 30,000 feet up and then 1 by 1 they started to jump,when it came to my turn I couldn't jump,no way ! Then this huge black guy pulled out his 12 inch dong and said "paddy,if you don't jump I,m going to stick this baby up your ass"
Well did you jump ? asked his mate.Just a bit when it first went in says Paddy.
 
Ozfazer6 said:
Paddy is in a bar telling his mates about his first parachute jump,we were 30,000 feet up and then 1 by 1 they started to jump,when it came to my turn I couldn't jump,no way ! Then this huge black guy pulled out his 12 inch dong and said "paddy,if you don't jump I,m going to stick this baby up your ass"
Well did you jump ? asked his mate.Just a bit when it first went in says Paddy.
Click to expand...

ACK!!! ok, that was really disgusting. :eek:
 
A man is about to have sex with a really fat woman, so he climbs on top of her.

"Can I turn the light off?" he asks.

"Why?" she replies. "Are you feeling a bit shy?"

"No," he says. "It's burning my ass!"
 
Two guys die and go to Heaven. St. Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates, but he can only let one of them in. After talking with them a bit, he discovers they were both poets on Earth, so he decides they're going to have a poem contest.

"I'm going to pick a word, and then each of you have to use that word in a poem. The person that comes up with the best poem gets in. The other guy is going to have to spend eternity in Limbo."

He thinks a bit then announces, "the word is going to be 'Timbuktoo'."

So the first guy thinks for a moment, then says...

As I sit on ocean shore,
I listen to the ocean roar.
A ship was sailing ocean blue,
it's destination Timbuktoo.

St. Pete thought that wasn't too bad.

Then, the second guy thinks a moment then says...

As Tim and I a-hiking went,
we spied three maidens in a tent.
Since they were three and we were two,
I bucked one and Tim bucked two.

You decide who won.
 
Troubl said:
Two guys die and go to Heaven. St. Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates, but he can only let one of them in. After talking with them a bit, he discovers they were both poets on Earth, so he decides they're going to have a poem contest.

"I'm going to pick a word, and then each of you have to use that word in a poem. The person that comes up with the best poem gets in. The other guy is going to have to spend eternity in Limbo."

He thinks a bit then announces, "the word is going to be 'Timbuktoo'."

So the first guy thinks for a moment, then says...

As I sit on ocean shore,
I listen to the ocean roar.
A ship was sailing ocean blue,
it's destination Timbuktoo.

St. Pete thought that wasn't too bad.

Then, the second guy thinks a moment then says...

As Tim and I a-hiking went,
we spied three maidens in a tent.
Since they were three and we were two,
I bucked one and Tim bucked two.

You decide who won.
Click to expand...

I would say TIM won....
 
a bear and a rabbit are walking through the forest, the bear says "man I'm tired of everytime I take a crap it sticks to my fur" then he asked the rabbit, hey rabbit does crap stick to your fur? the rabbit said "nope, I don't have any problems with that at all." the bear says "good" then picked up the rabbit and wiped his butt with him.
 
Grampy takes his 8 yr old Grandson out fishing for the day. They set out in the little boat and find a great spot to relax and drop their lines. As they start fishing, Grampy pulls out an ice cold beer. He cracks it open and starts to drink. "Ahhhh.... Great stuff!" he says.

Grandson says "Grampy, can I have one of those beers?"

Grampy says "Can you touch your p*n*s to your a$$hole?"

Grandson, looking puzzled says "No!"

Grampy says "Well, you're not old enough yet then. Sorry Sonny!"

So, the continue to fish when Grampy pulls out a a fine Cuban Cigar and lights it up. As the sweet smoke rolls out of his mouth, he says "Nothing tastes better than this!"

Grandson says "Can I try some of that Cigar?"

Grampy says "Can you touch your p*n*s to your a$$hole?"

Grandson, looking a bit angry and puzzled says "No!"

Grampy says "Well, you're not old enough yet then. Sorry Sonny!"

So, they continue fishing when Grandson reaches into his backpack and pulls out some treats. He begins to eat them and says "Yum! Mommy sure makes the BEST homemade chocolate chip cookies!"

Grampy says to Grandson "Can I have one of those delicious cookies?"

Grandson says "Can you touch your p*n*s to your a$$hole?"

Grampy sits up straight and proudly annouces "Yes! Of course I can!"

Grandson says "Good for you! Now go F#$K YOURSELF! These are my cookies!"
 
FZ6inNH said:
Grampy takes his 8 yr old Grandson out fishing for the day. They set out in the little boat and find a great spot to relax and drop their lines. As they start fishing, Grampy pulls out an ice cold beer. He cracks it open and starts to drink. "Ahhhh.... Great stuff!" he says.

Grandson says "Grampy, can I have one of those beers?"

Grampy says "Can you touch your p*n*s to your a$?"

Grandson, looking puzzled says "No!"

Grampy says "Well, you're not old enough yet then. Sorry Sonny!"

So, the continue to fish when Grampy pulls out a a fine Cuban Cigar and lights it up. As the sweet smoke rolls out of his mouth, he says "Nothing tastes better than this!"

Grandson says "Can I try some of that Cigar?"

Grampy says "Can you touch your p*n*s to your a$?"

Grandson, looking a bit angry and puzzled says "No!"

Grampy says "Well, you're not old enough yet then. Sorry Sonny!"

So, they continue fishing when Grandson reaches into his backpack and pulls out some treats. He begins to eat them and says "Yum! Mommy sure makes the BEST homemade chocolate chip cookies!"

Grampy says to Grandson "Can I have one of those delicious cookies?"

Grandson says "Can you touch your p*n*s to your a$?"

Grampy sits up straight and proudly annouces "Yes! Of course I can!"

Grandson says "Good for you! Now go F# YOURSELF! These are my cookies!"
Click to expand...

LMAO!!!!!!!!! :rof: That was too funny! I'm gonna send that to my mom!
 
An old man is sitting on his front porch one day and he see Little Johnny walking past holding a roll of tape.

"Good morning, Little Johnny! What have you got there?"

"This is duck tape."

"What are you using it for?

"I'm going to go catch some ducks!"

The old man starts laughing and tells Johnny,"You can't catch ducks with duck tape."

Little Johnny shrugs him off and heads on his way.

Later that day Johnny walks by the old man's house on his way home. His roll of duck tape is unrolled, and there are dozens of ducks stuck and tangled up in the tape, quacking away. The old man is suitably impressed.

The next morning the old man is out on his porch, and Little Johnny walks by with a roll of wire mesh.

"Good morning, Little Johnny. Off to catch more ducks?"

"No Sir. This here is chickenwire."

"What are you doing with chicken wire?"

"I'm gonna get some chickens!"

"Oh Johnny, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire."

Of course, later that day Little Johnny is on his way home and passes the old man's house. The chicken wire is now wrapped around 20 or so chickens, who are squawking and clucking furiously.


The next morning the old man is out on his porch again, and Little Johnny is walking by the old man's house. He's holding a reed from some sort of plant.

"Good morning, Little Johnny. What have you got there?"

"This is pussywillow!"

"Hold on a moment while I get my hat."
 
How come the little boy is always named Johnny?

BTW; It's Duct tape. :D
 
Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be fu@$&* if he needed glasses'.
 
A guy is sitting at the bar of his local pub having a beer. Suddenly he overhears a guy bragging to his friends: "you know, I have screwed every single woman that lives in Forest Road here, except one, hell yeah!"

"Uh-oh" thinks the guy at the bar, "that's MY street. I hope the one he didn't screw yet is my wife..."

So he rushes home, and asks his wife : "honey there was this guy bragging at the pub that he screwed every single woman in our street, except one..."

"Oh" replies his wife "I bet he means that bitch from accross the street"
 
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