Horrible jokes.

Re: Horrible jokes. (maybe not for younger eyes)

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting: "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

"SH_T" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
 
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny, so the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
 
A college kid comes home to his dorm room late one night, utterly plastered and raving about this new bar that he found. He tells his roomates,"This place was amazing. It was all gold. The bar was gold, the stage for the band was gold, the barstools were gold, the beer mugs were gold, even the urinals in the men's room were gold."

His roomates don't believe him, but the next morning when he's sober, he repeats the story. So that night they return to the bar.

The young man's roomates are shocked to see that he was telling the truth. Gold bar, gold beer mugs, golden stage and gold barstools. They look around in amazement and eventually order a few drinks.

After a while one of the roomates has to use the men's room. He comes back and says,"Hey, you said the urinals were gold. They're not."

They all look, and sure enough, the bathroom is plain porcelin and tile.

The young man goes up to the bartender and asks what happened to the gold urinals.

The bartender yells across to the stage where the band is warming up. "Hey Lou! I think I figured out who pissed in your saxaphone!"
 
Q: What does a deadhead say when he runs out of drugs?

A: Dude, this band sucks.


Q: How many deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None, they just wait till it burns out and then follow it around the country.


Q: How do you get an emo kid out of a tree?

A: Cut the rope.
 
Ok

Mom is cleaning her sons room. When she goes to make the bed she feels something and pulls it out. Its a porno magazine. She opens it up, and its not just any porno mag, its a sado magazine. People being beaten, tortured, just crazy stuff. She is shocked and just doesnt know what to do. She decides to take it up to her room and wait untill the boys dad gets home from work and let him handle it.

Later in the evening her husband comes home, and she tells him we need to talk upstairs. He follows her into the bedroom and she shows him the magazine. He is looking thru it, his eyes wide, just crazy stuff. She says well what do you think we should do? He says.











Well I dont know.







But I dont think you should spank him.
 
Here's a boxing joke:

What do you call a father with diarrhea who is proud of his son, who is a sadistical Japanese boxer?

Ready?

A CRAP HAPPY PAPPY WITH A SLAP HAPPY JAPPY
 
A nun is riding home on her bicycle from the market one afternoon and decides to take a shortcut and ends up going down a cobblestone street for quite a ways.
When she got to the end of it she said, "Boy, I won't come that way again."




What kind of meat does a priest eat on Friday?
















-nun.
 
Re: Horrible jokes. This one has some choice words in it not for young viewers eyes.

Scott64a said:
Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the jungle?
Click to expand...

Two cannibals are eating a guy they had just killed. They decided that it was best to start at opposite ends and eat their way to the middle. After a couple of minute the cannibal at the head end asked the other: "Are you having as much fun as me?"

To which he replied: "I'm having a ball!"

The first cannibal snaps back: "SLOW DOWN!"
 
Two Indians were on a plain with there ears to the ground listening for a herd of buffalo.

One indian gets up and says to the other,
"buffalo come!"

The other Indian says, "How do know?"

"Ear sticky."
 
chokeslam512 said:
Two Indians were on a plain with there ears to the ground listening for a herd of buffalo.

One indian gets up and says to the other,
"buffalo come!"

The other Indian says, "How do know?"

"Ear sticky."
Click to expand...

LOL....that was funny!!!!! kinda like, stupid funny! :thumbup: :rof:
 
Re: Horrible jokes. This one has some choice words in it not for young viewers eyes.

lonesoldier84 said:
haha oh man im gonna steal this one
Click to expand...
Your welcome, this is an old thread set up by Steve. I was reading it and thought I would see some of the latest funnies.

Thanks Mate

Nelly
 
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